Balancing parenthood between challenged and neurotypical siblings

When Francis was born, I was excited because Tommy will have a little playmate. Suddenly, Tommy's Autism diagnosis became more predominate than the arrival of my new baby. The first two and half years of Francis coming into our life's were not easy. Tommy struggled so bad to be around him. Francis was an over sensory stimulation rather than a little brother. My evenings used to be stressful. It was so hard to hold Tommy so he could not hurt himself by hitting his head against the concrete while Francis was crying and was needing comfort. Tommy could not stand Francis's baby cry due to sensory processing issues.  If you asked me, How could I handle it? I honestly don't know. But I can tell you that following my mother instincts is what has brought this issue to an end. 

Even when Tommy has special needs due to his coexisting conditions, I also recognize that Francis has his special needs as any individual, which are as well as important for me and my husband as Tommy's needs. 

Things that have help me to find a balance for Francis are:

• Including Francis to take an active role in Tommy's neurodevelopmental program. This program welcomes Francis to be a partner in helping his brother rather than excluding him like most conventional interventions. For example: He models the difficult activities for Tommy. I can do sensory stimulation for both kids, which has turn out in something funny for the boys. It is also helping them to get closer as siblings because it is reorganizing Tommy's brain, which is allowing them to interact in more structured play. Francis needs a relationship with his brother regardless Tommy's special needs. Any other kid won't replace his big brother. 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Francis was so happy that Tommy for the first time
  played with him pretending to cook. He implored me to let them play a little longer. 
  So they went to bed very late that day, which is not usual when they have school. 
  
  
  
  Here we are working in a video modeling for Tommy,
  which will get done at some point this week.
  
  
  
  
   I made Tommy's bed and just a few minutes
  latter this is how I found them on Tommy's bed and the bedding set 
  was all over the floor.
  
  
  
  
• Quality time rather than quantity time. I am busy all the time, since the time that I wake up to the time I am going to bed. But I always make sure to have short period of times to spend with Francis and incorporate him in what I do. I play, dance, snuggle, chase or teach Spanish to him.
• Time just with mammy. This is a day or a few hours in a specific day that I can only spend time with Francis. He even has requested other Mammy only time. For example: we spent about 3 hours in Toy R' Us looking at Toys last Saturday. This is something he can just do with mammy because daddy doesn't like to spend too much time in a store. I took a vacation day this year to only spend time with Francis and we went out to eat lunch at Francis's favorite restaurant.
• A trusting relationship through endless conversations because communication is what brings people together. Francis is struggling at school and I didn't understand why. We had a long talk and he was able to express his feelings and I could figured out that it is due to emotional issues.  He wants to stay at home with me rather than going to school, he misses his best friend who got transferred to other school and he has to compete with other kids for the teacher's attention. This is tough for a little person, so we made a deal (he is a negotiator and he always have to win). I would get a big reward if he will show to his teacher everything he can do.  I told him when he is missing me he should remember my big tight hugs and kisses. So I squeezed and kissed him at that moment to create a memory. I contacted his best friend's mom, so we can organized a playdate, and we have been practicing how to approach the teacher if he has questions. A week later, the issue is almost solved and he got his reward! But the best of all is that the other day he came to me and asked me: Mammy, Do you know what you should remember if you miss me? I was completely blank: he squeezed and kissed me 😊.

 This is the board by the classroom door, look for Francis!

 According to Francis, he was writing the grocery list!

I knew he was struggling for something more than just him not being able 

to understand the class and his writing is a proof of it,

We don't work on writing at home and school is just focusing on writing their names.

  But he can write pretty much all the letters of the alphabet without previous practice.  

Francis loves my husband and I in the same way, but he is mammy's boy because he knows I understand his feelings and struggles. Since I remember my mom and I have had long conversations about everything, including our feelings. Francis and I has our conversations about his little world and he knows that for me it is important. So he is able to communicate his feelings, dislikes, opinions and suggestions because I always take them seriously. Francis and I always are talking about our feelings for each other. He even tells me if I have hurt his feelings. I allow him to cook with me even when it may take longer and he has the confidence to tell me: "teach me to cook" because he knows I will listen to him and I won't ignore his curiosity. I accept his suggestions and opinions on how to help his brother. For example: Tommy struggles to be in clothing stores, which I think it is because it is visually overwhelming for him. One day, Tommy went crazy at Macy's. I didn't know how to calm Tommy. Francis Immediately gave me a solution: "Mom, my song." I said: "you are right." I quickly looked in my phone for the song, "LIFE LIKE A WARRIOR" from the movie Walking with dinosaurs (This song perfectly explains Tommy's journey). Francis's quick thinking saved the day!

I do believe God allow things to happen for a reason. If Tommy wouldn't have special needs, Francis and I may not experience the same connection and I may not pay close attention to his emotional needs. We are building a closer relationship where I am learning from him. One thing Francis has taught me is to CELEBRATE everything for little or big. It feels great to be able to be part of his world. It is not always an easy task, but it is all worth it.