Lovely Discipline

Discipline a child bring the better and the worse of our inner self as adults. Because It is very easy to lose patient when you are trying that the child does one thing and the child does the opposite. Therefore, to discipline a child with or without developmental challenges, it is imperative one learn to know the child's likes and dislikes beyond the labels. 


Discipline my son with developmental challenges has made me realized discipline should be lovely and positive. It is not about 'I am the adult, you are the child, so you have to obey.' This aptitude doesn't teach anything to a child, specially to Tommy who has a strong personality and sensory processing that makes harder for him to make sense of the environment around him. 


He is my life coach! He had taught me I needed to redirect my discipline methods because he may be at a higher level of understanding, but people around him cannot know it because his communication barriers. When I realized this, it was a day he got mad at me and pull my hair so hard. In my inner self, I wanted to spank him so bad. But instead, I played my role as an adult. I controlled my self, with a lot effort, and with a very calmed and lovely voice I told him: Tommy, I do love you. Mammy and Daddy love you so much, so we don't hurt you. We don't pull your hair. I could tell, he realized his action wasn't right. He immediately stopped pulling my hair and began to cry. So I kept talking: Mammy and daddy don't pull your hair because we love you. You made a good choice in stopping pulling my hair. Mammy is not mad.  He couldn't still stop his tears, so I hugged him and kissed him. Then, he began to sing with a tumble voice and with watery eyes, he tried to be silly to make me smile. Then I told him: 'You learned a lesson, you are sorry. Just say sorry.' So we practiced saying sorry, until he could say 'Sorry' very understandable...Since that day,  I just say: Remember, I love you. and he stops his aggressive action.


The situation describes abobe taught a lesson to all of us. Never underestimate a child with developmental challenges. Tommy learned that a bad action has a consequence and one feel sorry after doing something wrong. I learned 'self control' and an authority aptitude makes the situation worse and the child takes control of the situation because the child gets into a defensive mode. Therefore, discipline is about emotional and behavioral growth from both sides,  parents/caregiver and children. I have learned I am the adult and I am the one who has set the example of 'self-control,' so fighting with a child it doesn't show much self control. When a parent/care giver gets to this point an emotional and behavioral growth begins that steps into a trusting relationship between adult and child.


Discipline a child with a genetic disorder changes the rules of the game, but the goal is the same, WIN to teach a child how to behave. Regardless developmental challenges, we has began to set goals about  discipline in our family based on:

• to obey/respect adults
• to self control
• to be responsible
• to follow the families rules

Setting goals has helped me to not lose the perspective of what discipline should be about. So when one get to this point, it is easier to establish discipline methods according to the kids' personalities and ages, including to follow psychological techniques, to be consistent (which is hard) and be patient, very patient.  To get to this point, I did a mental exam on what I was failing and what I should consider to set boundaries to achive a lovely and positive discipline. I got to the conclusion, I should discipline according: 

• To understand what a typical behavior is
• To help my boys to achive a emotional and behavioral growth
• To build a trusting relationship
• To recognize sensory sick behaviors from my oldest child
• To understand my children's world according the age and developmental challanges
• To help my kids understand that an aggressive behaviors are not acceptable (pulling hair, bite, kicking, etc)
• To respect the child as individual by giving the child  the opportunity to express his feelings, regardless if the child has communication barriers

I have felt these points have helped me to set boundaries with Tommy. Because he is my first child, so many things are just new experiences for me. Beside that, Tommy's personality is strong as mine. But the key is learning from every experience when you have to apply discipline, so one can take from every experience what worked and to improve what didn't.

Setting the limits

As Tommy's advocate, I have to see beyond the picture. So I always looks in detail about anything related to tommy, because regardless I have the opportunities to work with great professionals to help Tommy to achieve his full potential, at the end, I am the one that truly knows him. This is the reason, I constantly educate myself about any aspect related to a child development. 


I felt I didn't know what typical behaviors was for a child around my oldest son age. So I talked to other parents who have typical kids. One day, I even so my little neighbor, who is 3 months older than Tommy,  trying to bite and hit his mom because she didn't allow him to do something. When I saw this, I just laughed! I realized Tommy's emotions are just typical as a child of his age. Thank God, it is in this way! I truly thought Tommy was needing professional help because he was having serious behavioral issues that are very common in kids with T21.


I also search online about how kids behaved around my son's age. According to Baby center.com this is how a typical 4-year old child behaves:

At this age your child still lacks self-control. It can take more than one, two, sometimes ten times for a lesson to sink in. Repeating transgressions is also a way of testing the limits. Are they firm or mushy? If Dad ignores me this time, maybe what I did isn't such a big deal after all.
Aggression is a normal phase at this age. Specific situations in which your child feels uncertain or out of control usually trigger the incidents. Respond quickly and calmly. Establish set rules and consequences for antisocial behaviors like hitting and kicking.
Not everything needs to be a battle. Overlook small things or give your child a mild verbal warning ("Keep your feet off the sofa") so your messages about the big ones get the emphasis they deserve. Don't get drawn into battles you can't win, such as those over eating.

It was a huge surprise for me. This exactly describes Tommy's behaviors. This make me feel so good because he is having a range of emotions according to his age. One more time, he is proving to me that 'stereotypes are breakable' that one day, the medical community will get the tools to truly unluck the potential of our kids. 


We are working on setting rules in our house that should be followed for everybody, including Baby Francis. Francis will be 18 month in a few months, which is the age some toddlers begin to show their first tantrums, so my little funny guy will also experience a range of emotions. He won't be the lovely guy we all are used to. So it is better we star setting limits with discipline according to his age. I also think Francis should be disciplined because it is not fair for Tommy, if he sees Francis doing something wrong and Francis doesn't get disciplined. We know Tommy is still struggling having someone to compete for our attention. He gets jealous when we pay too much attention to Francis. Therefore, it is imperative we keep a balance so this not hurt Tommy's self steam and he thinks we prefer Francis rather than him. To keep a balance by doing things I used to do with Tommy previous to Francis. I keep going to Tommy's room first as always has been previous to Francis. Then, I let Tommy play around while I get Francis ready. If Francis throw the toys out of the crib, I ask Tommy for help to put the toys in the crip. I make sure I point to the toys so he can locate them, taking in consideration he needs a guide for his sense of sight to register the toy. So when I am done, The three of us go down the stairs together. I hold Francis and Tommy's goes down holding the rail. The same thing if we go up stair, I let Francis to climb the stairs because he enjoys it and it is less back pain for me. I hold Tommy's hand, as always has been, and we both walk behind Francis. Francis has fun and Tommy gets my attention


There are many discipline methods, but not all of them apply to every child. So we are finding ways to understand how our kids's sense the world around them, specially, Tommy because his sensory issues. There are many behaviors people takes for 'typical' or even don't notice them, but they are not Typical. For example: I have noticed, Tommy visually doesn't see what is one the sides, he looks just straight ahead. If you put the blocks in front of him, he stacks them. If you put the blocks on the side, for him to look for them and stack them, he doesn't see them.  Tommy's vision is perfect, but his sense of sight doesn't register that there are objects, or even, people beside him. So if he throw a toy and Francis is close, he doesn't see Francis. For a person, that it is not familiar with sensory processing, it would look like he is trying to hit Francis. So what I do, it is redirect him to play properly with the toy. If it is a car, I take the car and roll the car while interacting with Tommy in a funny way. And say, Oh, you almost hit Francis, be careful next time.  Or I try to prevent the situation by saying to Tommy, "You could hurt Francis if you throws the toy, and again, I friendly redirect him to play properly. As an adult and has become a piece maker. I am educating my-self about sensory processing behaviors because if we as adults don't understand a sensory child's world, we can emotionally hurt the child's self steam by applying unnecessary discipline. Because the child thinks 'I am not doing anything wrong, I am just playing, why I am being punished?'  If I can understand how my son's perceives the wold, it is easier to teach him to recognize dangerous situations and that he can hurt others. Brain Highway has created awesome videos that explains and help to recognized sensory behaviors. All the actors in these videos have sensory issues. Click here to see the videos.


To establish appropriate discipline methods, I have also looked into if Tommy could recognize emotions. So in this way, I can work with him in identifying them and help him to cope with them. Thanks to technology, Tommy could show me he recognizes emotions, such as: unhappy, happy, disgusted, upset, sad, excited, mad.  Once again, he has showed me 'stereotypes are breakable'. We worked on this by the end of the Early Intervention Program about a year and half ago, but it wasn't deeply. After he finished the EIP, we didn't work on this again. I know, at school, they haven't work on this either. I am happy he can recognize these emotions without work on them. I am incorporating emotions into play so he can learn through play how to cope with the emotions. 


I feel so much better now, because with a lovely and positive discipline, I can see how my relationship with Tommy is changing for better, because we are building a trusting relationship. In my next post I will talk about discipline methods we are applying and will apply according each child's age and personality. 

The Sky is the Limit!

____
For parents and caregivers
I found an article, by Dr. Sears, that is focused in discipline kids with Trisomy 21. It is a very helpful in this matter. Click here!